On starting over again and again and again and again and again
So after the initial ADHD fueled enthusiasm obviously came the months of not really doing anything useful. No blogging, no coding, no running.
Lmao, I have been even playing War Thunder, my IQ was lowered with like 20 points. (Reminder that IQ is an inherently imperialistic and stupid idea.)
Sooo. Staying productive. Oh boy. Obviously you try to avoid the sigma male grindset of late stage capitalism, you want to enjoy your evenings after work, but then you also have those unresolved creative energies you cannot really channel into your day job.
You try your best not to be toxic to yourself, you try not to feel guilty about playing GT7 instead of working on your Big Dream. (Big Dream sounds like some conspiracy theory: "Did you know that suddenly falling is not a real thing? It was invented by the Big Dream to sell more dreams".)
But where is the point when some discipline can be actually healthy? Should I accept that my desires remain desires, material of daydreams, or should I go full drill sergeant on myself? "ALRIGHT, MAGGOT, 20 LINES OF CODE, NOW."
One of my dreams for a long time has been to learn to code and make video games. Not even to have it as a job -- I don't think I would survive a week in an industry where you have to do overtime -- but just to be able to do it. Like learning an instrument just to have a deeper appreciation for the art itself.
I also really enjoy programming when I do it, but man, it is hard, not programming itself (ok it is too), but the learning process. There is no clear learning curve, no guidance what to learn and when, the subject seems to be bottomless.
Should you do the absolute minimum and jump straight into game dev? Should you first build your own breadboard computer and go really deep? Should I be mining some silica and build my own integrated circuits?
One day, in November, I woke up and felt that it was just too much. And I haven't written a single line of code since then. I haven't watched a single video or read a single article about the topic.
And now I start again. And then will probably fail again at some point and have to start over again.
Sorrow is an endless ocean.
And happiness?
A tiny pearl of the ocean.
PS: I wish there was like a programming guild where you start as an apprentice, you get small tasks you have to solve, and then you rise up the ranks.
PSPS: I have set up an email address for the blog if you want to say hi: kcasey.bb@gmail.com